The last regular season Packer game I attended was on Christmas Eve 2016, also against the Minnesota Vikings. I had only moved to Portland about a year and a half prior, and this was my first holiday trip back in Green Bay, so when I saw an opportunity to spend an afternoon at Lambeau with my dad, I had to take it. (Thanks very much to my guy Casey for hooking up those tickets.)
The day of the game, we bundled ourselves in our finest winter gear and headed west toward the stadium. My dad, ever the negotiator, arranged for us to leave our car at his dentist’s office about three blocks away, and he insisted that I take the above picture of him looking in disdain at the price other suckers paid to use the actual parking lot that day.
We made our way to our seats, about halfway up the lower bowl right behind one of the end zones. The tickets provided a great view of the field and, perhaps just as important, easy access to the bathrooms. At this point in the season, the 8-6 Packers were riding a four-game winning streak and more or less had their reservations to the playoffs confirmed. Meanwhile the Vikings were 7-7 and had lost three of their previous four. Still, the game had more than a little juice behind it, being a late-season showdown between bitter rivals, which was why my dad and I were a little wary when we learned we’d be sitting next to a group of four Vikings fans.
Only two of the guys in the group were in the stadium when we reached our row about 40 minutes before kickoff – we’ll call them Older Guy 1 and Older Guy 2. Both of these fellas were about my dad’s age, so being Upper Midwesterners over 60 they immediately started chatting. Older Guy 1, who would later reveal himself to be the Alpha Dog of the pack, had been a Vikings season-ticket holder since the team’s first game 1961, so he immediately had our respect. Older Guy 2 was one of his buddies, a retiree like my dad who was along for the ride and was frankly amazed that he was at Lambeau Field. Both ultra-nice guys.
And then, right before the game started, Younger Guy 1 and Younger Guy 2 showed up.
Younger Guy 1 was directly next to my dad and me, and was as pleasant as ever. The first thing out of his mouth when he sat down was some very earnest words of astonishment at how awesome the Lambeau environment was. When I saw Younger Guy 2, though, I knew he was going to be a problem.
You know how there are multiple levels of intoxication? Like, you might drink a beer or two and still be able to legally and safely drive home. Or you might have a few more and get to the point where driving is a bad idea but you’re still more or less in control of yourself. Or, in the case of Younger Guy 2 on Christmas Eve 2016, you might go to a Packer game and get totally obliterated beforehand, to the degree that when you arrive to your seats at the beginning of a Noon game, one of the guys sitting in your row can immediately tell that you’re completely blacked out and that you probably won’t remember ever being at Lambeau.
And that would have been fine if that was it. Like, whatever – I’ve seen plenty of my friends in a similar state. Never before nightfall, but still.
It was when Younger Guy 2 started puking between his legs (and onto the concrete surface upon which the Lambeau bleachers sit, where it flowed to the same surface on the row in front of us, contaminating the winter boots of those fans with beer-cheese vomit) that things quickly turned.
“Aw come on, man … get him to a bathroom or something,” I said in disgust to Younger Guy 1, probably making Silvio Dante gestures with my bulky gloved hands. “He’s puking all over the fuckin’ ground!” (Normally my dad might have scolded me for using such language, but even he understood the need for a little assertiveness here.)
Younger Guy 1 seemed to brush it off, as if to suggest “well, he’s not going to throw up any more,” and maybe that sort of thing is acceptable to fans in Minnesota, but the Packer fans sitting in front of me who were now wading in Younger Guy 2’s partially digested breakfast weren’t having it. Soon enough, members of Green Bay’s police department were made aware of the situation and walked up toward our row to investigate. As they arrived, I made wordless eye contact with one of them, and then did the thing where I exaggeratedly redirected my gaze to the person they were looking for.
Call me a snitch if you want, Younger Guy 2 was desecrating sacred ground. Fuck him.
The cops saw the puddle of congealing throw-up beneath Younger Guy 2’s feet and immediately told him he had to go. When they asked which other members of the Viking-fan foursome wanted to escort their drunk-ass friend back to their hotel or wherever (because the police probably weren’t trying to arrest this dummy on Christmas Eve), both Older Guys looked at Younger Guy 1 as if to say “You brought him. He’s your problem. We’re not going anywhere.”
As the two Younger Guys made their way back from whence they came, Older Guy 1 was a maximum combination of anger and embarrassment. After all, someone who was associated with his group of visiting fans – Vikings fans, even! – had just been ejected from Lambeau after he couldn’t hold his booze like a gentleman. My dad and I tried to be a little reassuring and not make him feel like he was somehow responsible for this situation, but it was understandably a tough spot for him to be in.
Now, you might think that’s where this story ends, but the most astounding part of the day was yet to happen.
About an hour later, Younger Guy 1 suddenly re-appeared in our row, looking tired and annoyed but somehow back inside the stadium for the last quarter and a half of the game.
“Whoa! How’d you get back in?” I asked as he arranged himself so as to avoid his erstwhile neighbor’s biohazard.
“I begged,” he shrugged in reply. “I told the people at the gate that I had to bring my friend back to the hotel and they let me back in.”
“Well Merry Christmas to you!” I said, trying to imagine which other professional stadiums might allow a rival team’s fan’s re-entry after he left mid-game with his 86’ed buddy. Only in Green Bay, I’d like to think. Older Guy 1 quickly let Younger Guy 1 know that Younger Guy 2 was no longer welcome to join them for any other events under any circumstances, and I can’t say I blame him.
Anyway, the Packers won that day, and would go on to capture the NFC North title for the fifth time in six years. The result was never really in doubt, as Green Bay scored more points in the first half than the Vikings would all game. A similar scenario unfolded in the teams’ most recent contest, this one on New Year’s Day 2023. This time, though, I watched from the comfort of my couch, and didn’t have to avoid anyone’s vomit.
BET #1 – Dalvin Cook OVER 71.5 Rushing Yards (-115) – $5 bet pays out $9.34 – LOSS
Why did I make this bet?
Consult this season’s betting archives for more information here.
What did I learn here?
A broken clock is still right twice a day. Apparently, the Packers have decided to play their best defensive football as late in the season as possible. Yes, the team allowed 102 rushing yards against the Vikings, but those numbers were spread out among three players, one of whom was playing quarterback (and had a 19-yard scramble to boost that stat a little). In fact, Dalvin Cook was the Vikings’ least productive runner on Sunday, compiling just 27 yards on nine carries.
Perhaps if the Packers had such stout and reliable run defense all season, this game would not have been a must-win to keep their playoff hopes alive.
BET #2 – Kirk Cousins OVER 0.5 Interceptions (-110) – $5 bet pays out $9.54 – WIN
Why did I make this bet?
Along with the aforementioned rushing-yard Overs, I’ve also begun picking the Packers’ opposing quarterback to throw at least one interception more frequently in the second half of the season. While Green Bay’s ability to stop the run has been an ongoing concern in 2022, their pass defense has consistently ranked among the league’s best throughout the season, including in the number of interceptions they’ve managed to haul in.
I thought the Packers would be motivated to score quickly and often to begin the new year, and as a result the Vikings would be relying on Kirk Cousins (one of the NFL’s most frequent throwers of interceptions) to spark the comeback.
What did I learn here?
It all went according to plan. The Packers established a large lead early in the game, and Cousins wound up turning the ball over three times before being benched. The Vikings might have 12 wins, but I wouldn’t trust Kirk Cousins to lead my team anywhere but to a quick playoff exit.
BET #3 – Justin Jefferson UNDER 95.5 Receiving Yards (-105) – $5 bet pays out $9.76 – WIN
BET #4 – Justin Jefferson’s Longest Reception OVER 28.5 Yards (-110) – $5 bet pays out $9.54 – LOSS
Why did I make these bets?
To say the Packers were unprepared for Justin Jefferson during their Week 1 matchup in Minnesota would be an enormous understatement. During the first half of that game back in September, the Vikings’ wideout accumulated a whopping 158 receiving yards – a team record – to go along with two touchdowns. The home team carried that momentum to a 23-7 victory, a final score that would prove telling for both teams as the season wore on.
All of this is to say that I thought the Packers would be focusing the bulk of their defensive scheme around keeping Jefferson’s performance as muted as possible on Sunday, and that as a result he would fail to meet the 96-yard total needed to win the Over. I also thought, however, that despite Green Bay’s considerable efforts, Jefferson would be able to pop free for at least one lengthy reception. One slip on one play from a Packers defensive back would be all I needed.
What did I learn here?
Jaire Alexander is one of the two best cornerbacks the Green Bay Packers have employed during my lifetime. The other is Charles Woodson, a literal Hall of Famer who won the Heisman Trophy in college, a Defensive Player of the Year award with the Packers, went to nine Pro Bowls and was selected as a first- or second-team All-Pro eight times.
Against the Vikings on Sunday, Alexander had one mission: Stop Justin Jefferson. Looking at the stats (and at Minnesota’s paltry offensive production overall), it’s clear he was successful. In a polar-opposite performance from September, Jefferson was limited to a single catch for 15 yards. The rest of the game, Alexander stuck to him like Velcro in a way that would make LeRoy Butler proud.
Unfortunately for the betting ledger, Alexander’s outstanding performance did not allow for the single big-yardage catch from Jefferson that would have enabled me to collect both parts of this wager, but I’ll take half, especially with a Packers win.
SUMMARY
WEEK 17
$20 bet
$19.30 paid out
$0.70 loss
2022 SEASON
$320 bet
$341.67 paid out
$21.67 profit
NEXT WEEK
It all comes down to Week 18, ladies and gentlemen. The Detroit Lions will close their regular season by traveling across Lake Michigan in an effort to stop the Packers from making the playoffs (and, with a little help, possibly make it there themselves). While Green Bay has lost its last two games against Detroit, they won the five before that, and do you really trust Jared Goff to beat Aaron Rodgers with such high stakes on the line?
